The Pain of your coming
by Marauder-girl
Summary: Part 1 of the 'Pain' trilogy. Ever wondered how Remus became a teacher? This is my slightly disturbing view of how it happened. WARNING: Potential character death and implied slash


**Title: The Pain Of Your Coming**

**Author: Marauder-girl**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters I just use them to help pass the time and boredom.**

**Rating: R **

**Comments: If you are disturbed by Implied slash and (potential) character death DON'T read this. You have been warned. **

**Feedback: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! I'd love to know what you think!**

**A/N: This is not like my usual writing style, I'm more of a happy-dappy person. But I had a flicker of inspiration and so set to work on it. I would never EVER wish this on anyone.**

The summer's night was unusually sombre. On the rural outskirts of Surrey a tall and aged man was trudging through the marshy greenery, purposefully if not somewhat hampered by his long and heavy clothing. As the darkness thickened, the old man muttered something and a bright light appeared instantly, chasing away the suffocating blackness. The light illuminated his tired, lined face, long snowy beard and twinkling, yet alert blue eyes. Making him recognizable as only one person. Albus Dumbledore scanned the rapidly thinning woodland, searching for the small cottage, which was his quarry. Thrusting the beacon ahead of him, he located the small and humble abode and strode quickly toward it.

He approached the cottage with trepidation. Not because of the person who dwelt there, but because of the dank, depressing air that hung in sheets around the cheerful home. A flitting emotion of worry passed over the mans features, from where he was standing Dumbledore could see it was dark. Inside. 'Odd' he queried 'I thought he was expecting me?' Fear quivered at his heart and he made his way to the door. He tried the handle 'locked' , this increased his concern. Drawing out his wand he muttered a simple unlocking spell, and door slowly swung open creaking as it moved inwards. Stepping inside Dumbledore lit his wand, the light was dim but it was sufficient enough to prevent him from falling over anything in the darkened room. He searched briefly for the light switch, only to find that the electricity was out. This did little too sooth his jangled nerves as he made his way further into the house.

"Remus?" he called uncertainly, silently hoping, praying for an answer. None came. A crackling sound alerted the old mans senses, and he raced into the sitting room. The blazing fireplace crackled and spat, it's light burnishing everything within a few feet with a glow, which was distinctly dampened by the soured air that filled the room. Dumbledore strode in, extinguishing his wand and gazing around the room. It was then he saw one of the most horrifying sights he had ever laid eyes upon.

Remus Lupin lay slumped lifelessly in an armchair. The older man rushed over to his former student, tension hanging around him so thickly it could be cut through.

"Remus?" he repeated, laying a hand on the mans shoulder. The other man remained motionless, didn't stir, didn't flinch, just remained still. Albus leaned in closer, and it was then he realised with alarm that the man was barely breathing, and the small shallow breaths he was taking were tinted with undeniable stench of alcohol. His heart leaping, Dumbledore reached down and grabbed Remus's wrist, hoping to feel a pulse. But as his hand slipped around the slim wrist, he withdrew instantly, eyes wide with horror. "God Remus,….. what have you done?" he croaked, a wave of nausea hitting him hard.

He stared down at his fingers which were now smeared with the other mans blood, and fought the urge to wretch.

After that terrifying moment of clarity, Dumbledore jumped instantly to his feet, cleaning his bloodied hand with a handkerchief. Routing in his pocket he produced a small handful of Floo-com powder and threw it into the dwindling fireplace.

"Poppy!" He cried, urgency registering in his voice. There was a moments silence and then..

"Yes Headmaster?" The nurse's vision swam into view, her face looked concerned.

"Poppy thank God! I need you down at Remus Lupin's cottage this instant!"

The woman looked confused "But Headmaster…" she began, but was cut off.

"Poppy! There is no time to explain! I need you here now!"

The nurse's face fell at the worried tone and she mumbled "Yes Albus I'll be right there.."

An instant later the nurse appeared in the fireplace "What's so import….." her voice faltered and trailed off at the scene in the living room, "Oh Lord…" she murmured horrified, rushing to the headmasters side, wand alight and eyes round. Her face paled as she looked on in horror at the mans lacerated wrists. Crimson blood, almost black in the dim light leaked in thin tendrils down his pale, slender hand and fingers, before dripping onto the floor, each tiny drop bringing Remus closer to death.

Heart pounding madly Poppy dropped to her knee's and quickly examined him.

"He's barely alive Albus" she muttered mutely "All I can do is stop the bleeding, but I just don't know…."

Dumbledore nodded silently and Poppy bound the wounds with magical gauze to stop the remaining blood flow.

" That's all I can do…. We're just going to have to wait… and hope.."

Again Albus nodded not trusting his voice. It saddened him so completely to think that this kindly young man before him would wish to end his life. Looking down into the distraught face of the nurse he asked "Is it safe to move him… only I think he'd prefer to wake up in his bed, rather than this stuffy old armchair.." there was a steeled note of determination in his voice, that said 'Remus will wake up, he will, he's not going to die, I won't allow it!' The nurse gave a swift nod, clamping her mouth shut against the vomit that was working its way up her throat. She noticed the steely note in the headmaster's voice. She knew this was having quite a profound affect on him and it comforted her to know that he was certain the other man would wake. But she herself still couldn't believe, what she had witnessed tonight. From her recollections of the young Remus, this was definitely the last thing she would have expected him to do. But then again that was then, this was now.

Dumbledore conjured a stretcher, knowing neither of them were strong enough to lift Remus without causing further harm, and magically lifted the limp man onto it. A quick assessment of the cottage located the bedroom, and the old man floated the stretcher carefully into it, avoiding at all cost any mishaps. Poppy rushed ahead, preparing the rather Spartan bedroom for its occupant, by drawing back the covers on the bed and waiting purposefully beside the bed. Dumbledore appeared a few minutes later wand outstretched, leading in the mobile stretcher. He hovered it lightly over the bed before bringing it down and disapperating it. The nurse then drew back the sheets, covering the unconscious man in comforting warmth, hoping to speed recovery.

Albus gazed around the room, his heart heavy. This was not the kind of welcome he had envisioned, but there was little else he could have done given the situation. His blue eyes fell upon the bedside table upon which there were two letters. The first was addressed to him, the other had no name adorning it, but both were in Remus distinct script. Curiosity flaring, he picked up the letter and opened it.

"What's that?" asked the nurse, her own curiosity getting the better of her.

"I have no idea Poppy, that's what I'm going to find out." He replied, reading the letter:

_Dear Headmaster _( It red)

_If you are reading this then I am right to assume that you have found me. I wish to apologise now for the shock this has caused and that you know I would never bear you any harm. You were one of the few people who ever truly understood and trusted me and for that I am eternally grateful. You gave me chance's no other man should of, and even though adversity faced you still stood by your decision, for these wonderful gifts I thank you._

_I can not express how it pains me to write these words, but I can no longer stand the agonising pain, torment and sadness that has invaded my life. I once thought I would survive on my own, but I was wrong. Loneliness has been my bane and not the moon or silver as it should be. I have tasted the bitter taste of despair constantly for the last 12 years, part of me dying every day, and at last real death has finally come to call for me. Do not grieve for me, for I am happy now and am celebrating with James and Lily. If you wish to grieve for anyone, save your pity for the traitor, for he will need it when eternal judgement comes. I will admit that his escape was the final nail in my coffin, a blow so unjust and cruel that I could not even breathe the air if he to was breathing it, free with me. I only wish I could describe the anguish I have bared alone, and pass it on to him to make him suffer as I have, but that is impossible now, and so I hope he is reclaimed by the beasts that guarded him and robbed of his soul._

_Do not be saddened by my passing, for I am of no great loss to the world. There are others more deserving of your tears_

_R.J.LUPIN _

Dumbledore wiped a tear from his eye and stared long and hard at the silent figure of Remus. He was wrong he was, he was of a great loss to the world Dumbledore knew that with a certainty. Slowly folding the letter in half, he placed it in his pocket. However his sombre curiosity alighted again as he gazed at the second letter, just whom could it be for? Dumbledore picked it up noting the ferocity of the handwriting. It seemed Remus had been very angry when he had written this. Feeling slightly uncomfortable, as though committing a gross breach of privacy he opened it and the contents of this letter astounded him.

_P, _

_I know you will probably never get to read this letter, but it is my last tribute to the Marauder's, your supposed friends. I still find it hard to believe you could actually do what you did to James, Lily, Peter… Me. I thought you loved me, but I now realise that it was all a lie, that you never really loved anyone but yourself. You vain, selfish, arrogant bastard, how I wish that I could let Moony free just this once and inflict upon you the pain that you so rightly deserve. That day when they dragged you away, my heart shut off to the world all I could feel was anger, pain and rage. Oh how I wanted to rip out your heart and show it to you while you took your last breaths. I very nearly succeeded too if it hadn't been for the ministry officials you would have died that day, and I would have been the one rotting in Azkaban, an uncontrollable, deranged dark creature._

_Yet I still have a feeling deep down, buried beneath all the hate that this was a mistake, that you never really committed the crimes they said you did. I know it is foolish, but that is what I am, a fool. I gave you my heart, my love, my very soul without thinking, and look where that one moment foolish passion has led. I am alone forever, I hate you, I love you. But I now find solace in the comforting arms of death, not that it would matter to you. Goodbye my Dog-star forever_

_M_

Dumbledore laid down the letter with reverence, his heart contracting at the soulful, impassioned words. Although the real name of the receiver wasn't written he could easily guess to whom it was to. He felt his heart wrench at all this young man had, had to suffer. He had never even guessed the depth of their relationship until now, and with this startling revelation the despair he currently felt doubled in it's intensity, and he could not repress the tear that rolled down his cheek.

Poppy stood there emotions whirling in her head, her intense curiosity was calling out to her, but she felt reluctant to pry. Slowly she found her voice.

"Headmaster?" she asked "What was in…" she trailed off at the sight of the single tear on the mans face. Her voice robbed by this simple show of emotion.

Dumbledore looked up at her, and it was instantly obvious to Poppy that the Headmaster was not going to divulge the information. But she then realised that words weren't needed, she already knew what was in the letter and it made her heart ache.

After a moment of silence Albus again looked up into the concerned face of the nurse, one of his closest friends.

"Poppy, I think it'd be best if you went back to the castle." It was more of a request than an order, spoken so softly that at first she wasn't sure if she'd heard right.

Then realising that he was waiting for her reply she answered "Yes Albus, but I want you to promise me if ANYTHING happens at all. I want you to call me straight away." Poppy couldn't quite figure out WHY she was granting the Headmaster this request, but she knew she had to it seemed to her that a lot of words were going to be spoken if and when Remus came round.

Albus watched the nurse leave and settled into the armchair, preparing for the long wait, never once taking his eyes of the unconscious figure in the bed.

In another place

Light, all around him was light. Remus dimly registered anything else through this onslaught to his senses. Then he heard it, a voice, softly calling to him from far away.

"Remus" it called, the voice familiar but at the same time not. After a long moment it called out again, this time clearer and easily recognizable.

"James?" Remus questioned his amber eyes widening, hardly able to believe it.

The voice chuckled and a figure walked into view "Of course it's me Moony you sodding prat! Who else would it be?"

Remus chuckled himself, 'Still the same old Prongs' he thought shaking his head. "It's nice to see you again old friend."

James scoffed "I'm not that bloody old Moony! And you're certainly one to talk!"

Remus considered this a moment and smirked, running a hand through his silvering locks "Yes, I guess I can see you're point Prongs.. But why are you here?"

James gave a sad smile "I thought that would be obvious Rem. And people thought you were the smart one! But well maybe it ain't that obvious."

Remus frowned "Prongs.." he said testily "What's going on? Why am I here? What are you trying to tell me?"

James held up his hands in a gesture of surrender "Hey, hey Moony hold on a second. I'm here to send you back!"

Remus shut up instantly, and James continued "It's not your time yet mate. You've still got a lot of things to do in your life, you're gonna be a hero!"

The other man laughed at the absurdity of the statement and out of desperate humour "Me, a hero? Surely you're joking James! I mean who'd ever consider me anything other that a dark creature, because that's all I am! A bloody werewolf! Creature of the dark! I just want to let it all go James, I can't stand it anymore!"

James sighed and moved over to his friend "Moony! Don't you dare talk like that! I mean it! Look at me!" Remus looked up reluctantly "Listen to me Remus. You have so much yet to do, and although I can't tell you exactly what. I know that it's important, and there are people who care about you. I know for a fact that Dumbledore's sitting beside you right now waiting for you to wake up!"

"What!" the shocked werewolf cried, his face registering guilt.

James saw the look and smiled "Don't feel bad Moony. He had no idea what you were going through, although I'm sure he does now."

Remus flushed and looked downwards "I feel like such an idiot!"

James laughed "Well that's a first I must admit. But on a more serious note, I have one favour to ask you. I know that Dumbledore was going to ask you something, and I want you to Marauder swear to me that no-matter what it is I want you to say yes."

Remus looked on in confusion "He was going to ask me something? What?"

James smirked evilly "Now even if I knew that I wouldn't tell. But I want you to promise me you'll say yes!"

Remus looked unblinkingly into his friend's eyes and with a steeled tone of voice said "I promise James."

James looked at him questioningly "Marauder-Swear Moony?"

Remus smiled "Marauder-Swear Prongs!" he replied.

James returned the smile "Well I guess it's time to say goodbye, 'ey Moony?"

Remus nodded "I guess so. But how do I get back?"

James threw back his head and laughed "Just click your heels three times and say there's no place like home"

Remus frowned "Not funny Prongs!" he retorted his voice sarcastic.

"Okay, Okay" James relented "Just close your eyes and think of home, you'll be back there as quick as a flash."

And with that he embraced Remus tightly "See you old friend." He said and then was gone.

Remus gave a last sigh and closed his eyes, thinking of his cottage and everything he left behind.

Back in reality

Albus Dumbledore rubbed his eyes, he had lost track of the time he had spent waiting, but now thin strands of light were filtering through the moth eaten curtains. He was beginning to lose hope that the young man who slept in the bed beside him would ever awaken. But as if sensing these unhappy thoughts, Remus began to stir and opened his bleary eyes, blinking at the dim light that assaulted his eyes. Dumbledore's heart jumped in his throat and he surged quickly off his chair, to the side of the younger man.

"Remus" he whispered softly.

The man just moaned in response and struggled to move. Concerned, Albus stopped his movements with a simple "Lie still."

The other man obeyed and opened his eye fully, finally adjusting to the early morning light.

"Headmaster.. I'm.." he croaked, his voice raspy and weak.

Dumbledore held a finger to his lips "Shhh Remus, rest now. We can talk later."

Remus simply nodded and submitted to the peaceful slumber.

He awoke a few hours later feeling slightly stronger, and he was slightly dismayed to see that Dumbledore was still there by his side. The Headmaster gave him a warm smile and pulled the chair closer.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

Remus sat up and looked down in shame "Better I guess… Listen Headmaster… I'm.. sorry… I" He couldn't stop the tears, nor did he want to.

Albus placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder "There is no need to apologize Remus, I'm sorry that there was nothing I could do to help you. I never realised…" He trailed off, feeling he said more than was necessary.

The younger man wiped his eyes "There was nothing you could have done Headmaster, but… I well, I thank you for saving me. I realise now that it was a stupid thing to do."

The Headmaster smiled sadly at his former student "Yes it was there is no denying that, and you were very lucky. But what is important, is that you are here now."

Remus gave a sad sigh "Just barely, I very nearly didn't come back, it took some great persuasion."

Dumbledore gave him a curious look "What persuaded you then?" he asked, genuinely intrigued.

Remus closed his eyes and took a steadying breath. When he spoke his voice was hollow and calm "James… He came to collect me, well I assumed that. But he was really there to send me back, he told me it wasn't my time to go.."

Both men remained silent for a moment before any of them spoke again. The headmaster looked into the shadowed remorseful amber eyes, and saw a sheen of determination burning there, which pleased him.

"Remus.. There was a purpose to my visit last night. I have come to ask you something that is quite important to both you and me.." He noticed the slight confusion and recognition on the werewolf's face and the continued " As you know Sirius is on the loose and I feel that your presence at Hogwarts would be invaluable. You know what he is like and where he may possibly be hiding, if he manages to infiltrate the school, and any help could possibly save Harry's life."

"He's after Harry?" Remus' head spun with this information, Sirius was his mate and always would be. But.. No he couldn't believe he was after Harry, he just couldn't.

Confused, he asked "But why do you want ME at the school, ... what about my condition?"

Dumbledore smiled warmly "There is nothing to worry about. I have someone who is able to concoct the wolfsbane potion. I surmise you've heard of it?"

Face lighting up in wonderment Remus nodded, but there was still a lot of questions to ask and negotiation to occur. "You say you want me there Headmaster, but what would I be doing there. I have no reason to set foot in the place unless I was teach…" His voice cut out at the realisation of what was being asked of him.

Albus' smile was disarming and he gave a slow nod, taking in the growing amazement in the amber eyes of the man before him. He had known that this was a dream opportunity for Remus, and it would be nice to see him put his talents to good use. "Yes Remus, I want you to come and teach."

The other man just mouthed wordlessly and stared down in his lap, he couldn't find the words to express his gratitude or his fear at such a prospect. But then a fading distant memory surfaced in his mind and he knew he had no choice but to accept. The Headmaster's smile brightened and he shook Remus' hand.

"Welcome to Hogwarts Professor Lupin."

Remus blushed at the title and wondered if James had known what Dumbledore's request had been. He certainly wouldn't put it past his friend, even now to withhold the information from him, and he could just picture the look on his face, and hear his taunting in his ears.

'I promise you I'll keep Harry safe!' He thought, and a tiny voice answered him softly from a million miles away

'Of course you will mate.'

A/N: well there it is. I know it's pretty grim! Er I'm considering doing a second part where Sirius finds the note, Whatcha think! Please review


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